The energy drink for people who eat the dip. Three hundred milligrams
of conviction, zero grams of sugar, and enough L-theanine to keep your hands
steady through the close. Caffeine is a position. Take it.
0MG
Caffeine
0G
Sugar
0KCAL
Per Can
ALPHA°
PRE-MARKET FORMULA
01
The Thesis
Internal memo. Distribution restricted to holders of $ALPHA.
Your edge isn't the model. It's the forty-seven minutes after everyone else's caffeine wears off and yours hasn't.
Sugar is a margin call on your afternoon. We removed it. The jitter that scrambles your fills? We bought it down with 200mg of L-theanine — clean focus, no liquidation event at 2pm.
$ALPHA isn't a soft drink. It's a position on your own output, priced in milligrams, settling T+0. Hold to expiry. Roll into the next can.
02
The Numbers
Per 12 fl oz can. Audited. Mark-to-market.
Caffeine
0mg
≈ 3 desk espressos, one settlement
▲ peak focus
Added Sugar
0g
Zero. No 3pm drawdown.
▲ stable
L-Theanine
0mg
Hands steady through the close
▲ low vol
Calories
0
Lighter than your Q3 guidance
▲ lean
03
Backtested
Your productivity, indexed to a control group on cold brew.
▲ +428%
OUTPUT INDEX · since first can
SESSION HIGH
LOCKED IN
Emails cleared▲ 312
Meetings survived▲ 14
Afternoon crashes0.00
Conviction▲ MAX
Sharpe (vibes)2.9
Backtest is illustrative. Past performance of your central nervous system is not indicative of future results. Returns shown gross of meetings.
04
Holdings
Full position breakdown. No undisclosed counterparties.
#
Position
Weight
Class
Allocation
CAF
Caffeine Anhydrous The core long. High conviction.
300mg
Stimulant
THE
L-Theanine The hedge. Smooths the curve.
200mg
Nootropic
B12
Vitamin B-Complex Liquidity. Keeps the engine funded.
100%DV
Vitamin
ELE
Electrolyte Basket Risk parity for hydration.
Blend
Mineral
SUG
Added Sugar Closed the position. Took the loss for you.
0g
Liquidated
05
Analyst Coverage
Initiating coverage. Ratings reflect taste, not advice.
$0.00
CRASHES
STRONG BUY
Cancelled my cold brew subscription. This is the only thing on my desk with positive convexity.
VP
Marcus T.
VP, Bulge-Bracket M&A
4:00am
WAKE
BUY
I drink one before the European open and one before I pretend to understand crypto. Both fills, no slippage.
PM
Devon K.
PM, Multi-Strat Pod
+428%
OUTPUT
OVERWEIGHT
Took it from a colleague at a 1pm standup. Built three models before he finished his sentence. Vest stayed zipped.
AS
Priya S.
Associate, PE / "It's complicated"
06
Take Your Position
Settles T+1 to your door. Bulk desk orders welcome.
Retail
$36 / 12-pack
$3.00 per can · ships once
One case, no strings
Standard T+1 settlement
Cancel anytime (there's nothing to cancel)
For the retail trader sizing in
Accredited
$28 / 12-pack
$2.33 per can · monthly auto-roll
22% discount to retail
Auto-rolls every 30 days
Priority pre-market fulfillment
Free $ALPHA° vest patch
Skip, pause, or double up
Institutional
Quote
Pallet pricing · the whole desk
96+ cans, volume pricing
Branded fridge for the floor
Dedicated coverage rep
Net-30 for verified entities
Stop trading your afternoon away
Three hundred milligrams. Zero sugar. One position to hold. The bell's about to ring.