Senior Secured
Original Issue
Cola, at par. The benchmark against which the others are spread. Deep, bitter, fully collateralized.
No. 000001
A caffeinated bearer instrument
Stay liquid.
Three hundred milligrams of focus, payable to the holder on demand, before the open. No sugar. No counterparty risk. Settles instantly, the moment the tab cracks.
01 / Prospectus
Every figure audited, none of them embellished. What you hold, precisely.
02 / Holdings
No off-balance-sheet vehicles. Here is the entire book, marked to market.
03 / Instruments
One product, three issues. Each priced to the palate, rated by the desk.
Senior Secured
Cola, at par. The benchmark against which the others are spread. Deep, bitter, fully collateralized.
Convertible
Blood orange and grapefruit, with embedded upside. Converts to clarity at the strike. Bright on the open.
Distressed
Dark, tannic, mispriced. For the contrarian who buys when the floor is red. Not for the faint of conviction.
04 / Coverage
Initiating coverage. Unsolicited, unpaid, and, regrettably, sincere.
"The only liquid on the floor that comes with a term sheet. We are initiating at our highest conviction."
Fixed Income Desk · Internal note, do not circulate
"I keep one on each monitor and a reserve in the vest. We are long. Materially long."
A man in a quarter-zip · Buy-side, allegedly
"Crushed the quarter on a single tab. Raising our target. Again. There is no ceiling on this."
Sell-side research · Coverage initiated 04:41
05 / Settlement
Take delivery in 48 hours. Hold to maturity, or roll the position monthly and never, ever go illiquid.